#and I've also gotten better at English in the mean time so if i wrote the end now there'd be a drastic style change in the middle which. no.

[the-contraire-of-zugzwang]

mbs fandom would you be interested in a scene from a fanfic that will never be continued for reasons unknown ?

[solitude-of-stars]

Yesterday I got accused of using AI for my writing

At first, it simply baffled me. Then I thought about it for a while until I didn't really know what to think or feel anymore. Anger? Amusement? Resignation?

A bit of context:

This December I posted an Advent Calendar for the fandom I'm most active in. One fic a day for 24 days. Various ships and other relationships, various plots and AUs, and all that jazz. I'm assuming this is what the person is referring to by mentioning "mass production".

Now, I know there are people out there that actually write a fic a day. I might have even tried something like that had I been younger, but these days I'm working full time, I'm married, and I need to do annoying things like chores, so I definitely didn't have the time or mental capacity to do that. Instead, I started planning and writing the fics in mid October and it took me almost two months to finish all of them. I don't know exactly what mass production in the context of AI fic means, but I have a hunch that writing roughly 27k words in the span of two months is not that.

I am also not a native speaker. I've been writing fic on and off for over 15 years, but I've only really started writing in English less than two years ago. I take great pride in it, and I've always gotten very positive feedback. Not a lot (because my fandom is mostly dead by now), but whenever people comment, they are very kind and supportive.

Nevertheless, deep down I still expect criticism of my writing. Bad grammar, wrong use of idioms, awkward wordflow ... you name it, I've probably worried about it. There's this feeling that probably a lot of non-native speakers experience: that you have to be better than most native authors to even be considered good enough. Every little mistake, typo, every awkwardly written sentence is proof that you're 'faking it', and that people will see you for the fraud you actually are and tell you to just go back writing in the language you're used to. No one has ever actually told me that, fortunately, but it's a feeling that has been persistently nagging at me since I changed to writing in English.

So yeah, I expected criticism. I just didn't expect this particular brand of it.

I understand the concern about AI fanfics. Really, I do. I read about fandoms getting flooded by authors churning out fic after fic after fic. Personally, I am very lucky that the fandom I write for is so small that AI is basically non-existent (as far as I know). There's only been one author who openly wrote a fic by using generative AI, but the fandom collectively chose to ignore it. No hits, no comments, no interaction all together, until the author deleted the fic.

Now, the only use of AI one could maybe accuse me of is that of an online translator, in the rare case I'm searching for a word/sentence and it's not this abstract feeling but something I can actually pinpoint in my native tongue. But that's it. I've never even considered using AI for one of my fics, because writing has always been enjoyable to me. Why would I leave something that gives me joy to a machine to do it for me?

But, in all honesty, I don't think the bad part about the comment I got was that the person thought I might have been using AI. Because I know I didn't, and most of my readers know it as well.

No, the devastating part to me is that the person feels the quality of my fic can be compared to whatever it is AI would spit out. That's what's getting to me.

I don't actually mind constructive criticism. Maybe it's a generational thing, but I grew up on fanfiction sites where you were actively encouraged to tell the author how they could do better. There were how-to-write-comments that gave you pointers what to focus on, and what could be considered helpful constructive criticism.

Or maybe this is actually a cultural thing. Coming from a country of people that are generally considered very -and sometimes uncomfortably - honest, I don't mind people telling me if there's something specific I could improve on. Will it sting? Yeah. But keep it nice and civil, and I won't be angry at you for it - I'll appreciate it.

Comparing my writing to, or even accusing it of being written by AI, feels like something entirely different. It's a very simple way of saying that what I write is something even below mediocrity. That it reads like it was written by an algorithm that can't understand and will never experience human feelings. Can't comprehend emotions, something that can't be captured by lots of 1s and 0s. Equates me to a thing that takes the stories and feelings other people created, before bunching it all up into one big pile of words, lifeless and replaceable.

And that's what's getting to me. I always thought my fics were good. Not great, but good enough that I personally enjoy rereading them. Writing helped me through some hard times, helped me find joy in creating again, something I remember from when I was younger but hadn't felt all throughout college. Writing was fun, a wonderful way to pass the time, and a way to connect with other people who enjoy the same nerdy stuff as me.

Now I don't feel like writing anymore.

Some people will probably say I'm exaggerating. That it's just one comment among many positive ones. And they'll be right. It's only one comment, but just like one bad day can make you feel like all the good ones you accumulated before don't matter, one bad comment can negate all the positive ones.

Fortunately, I had many people come to my defense already. Geat people that keep telling me I have worth. That congratulated me for writing 24 fics in time, that tell me I improve with every fic I write, and that never get tired of being simply awesome human beings. I'm lucky to have them.

My anxiety keeps telling me they're all wrong. That the one person is right, and that I should just stop trying. That I'm not good enough, that I will never be good enough, and that it's a miracle I've managed to fool them this long anyway.

Now, I will get over it. I know I will. I'll meet my friends and celebrate New Year's, I'll read a good book, listen to some music, play some Skyrim, and, before I know it, I'll be back in the mood for more writing. I can handle it. Because my enjoyment will be more important, in the end.

But you know who wouldn't have gotten over it this easily?

16 year old me. She would have been completely gutted over getting a comment like this. And I know there are many teens like her out there who are probably getting similar comments on their fics. And they don't deserve this.

So I guess what I want to say with my elaborate rambling is this:

Please stay kind. I know, AI is terribe, and seeing people using it to do something that you enjoy, and take over all those safe spaces we have built for ourselves, flooding carefully curated and beloved tags, is incredibly frustrating. And I'm afraid that I don't have a solution for that.

But please think twice before throwing around accusations like the one I've gotten. Maybe you actually find somebody who secretly used AI. They probably won't care enough to stop. But more likely you'll find someone who's just taking their first steps, deciding to write and post something they care about. That takes incredible courage, especially for people that write in a language that isn't their native one. They simply want to reach people, want to interact with them in a way that wouldn't be possible in their own language.

Don't ruin it for them.

[lawofnamesmedia]

All things end. Remember us. Thoughts on making Arcadia, CA

This was written as a thread for twitter, so the formatting is... exciting.

I spent ~a month trying to write out something about the end of Arcadia, CA that I could read aloud, and add to the episode. I wanted to use my actual, real /voice/ to talk about the experience of this show, & how important and wonderful it's been. I failed utterly. So. Thread.

Arcadia was the very first AD I attempted to make. I'd done audio content before, & a little bit of script writing, but nothing like this. I, uh, also had barely /listened/ to any ADs. The project really was just diving into something thinking I'd figure it out as I went.

That meant I did everything "wrong"-- I cast /long/ before the show was written, wrote as we went, added & /changed/ characters mid-stream, failed to have any sort of outline for the first ...2 years... & overall just... did not follow best practices. At all.

But. Even with all that. We made something beautiful. & genuinely /good./ We told a story that is by-and-large cohesive & coherent, & mostly wraps up all its plotlines & character arcs. A story that is /brilliantly/ acted w/ fucking /stunning/ sound design.

Actors. All of you. I cannot express how much I've enjoyed working with you, nor how fantastic the work you've done is. You ran with me on all my weird tangents & ideas, and some of the best things in the story are ones /you/ brought to it.

@satyrofstrategy-- finding & casting you was random chance, & a stroke of luck that I'm pretty sure shaped my entire existence as an AD creator. Getting you to perform Shakespearean monologues as a quasi-human ~ * actor * ~ has been a highlight. Also, your villain monologue in the finale!

Vanessa- the notes you hit from the very /first/ recording session as a well-meaning mom who very much as Her Own Issues... You never let Holly be /just/ Niko's mom. Even from the audience's limited POV, she had depth. I kind of wish I'd gotten to play with it more, tbh.

Corvyn- Karin was one of the characters who changed a lot in response to the actor. For me, some of the best bits were when she finally hit the wall & couldn't be Entirely Rational Mom. Your voice when she was trying /so hard/ to stay level but FUCKING STRESSED.

Thomas- Wil's story changed SO MUCH, & you took it all in stride. Going from goofy sidekick to antagonist to villain to redemption arc... he couldn't have been in the hands of a better VA. Thank you. So much. (& thanks for the easter egg for him in the stinger ; ) )

Speaking of changing character stories, Rue! I brought you in as love interest & suddenly you're 2 characters in one. Every recording with Purchaser & Elliot afdl;fdashla. I swear, you didn't even blink when I asked about maybe, uh, being faerie possessed?

@superhumanfoods rolled in 1/2 way thru the story & fundamentally altered its course. Your ability to echo other characters' delivery & the just. Baffling /sweetness/ that is Thomas... & also your fucking comedic timing... & how you jumped in with both feet... Thank you.

Cailen- you love Lia at least as much as I do, & it shows in every second of your performance. You are a fucking consummate professional, & staggeringly skilled actor. I loved your willingness to interpret lines in ways that fit her better. I don't think you ever got it wrong.

(Also, I dearly want to include a clip of them speaking in their natural accent at some point, because despite recording for four damn years, I /never/ got over hearing them go from English accent ((specifically regional but I /cannot/ remember)) to American by way of Alaska.)

Izzy is another actor whose switch from natural accent to character voice made me yell & scare the cats. Your performance as Delphine was /breathtaking/ & often really fucking unsettling. Her playing off Cyrus is some of the most horror-aligned content in the show & it rules.

Nick's take on Camren took a character that was supposed to be a fairly flat 2D bully & gave him this unexpected sweetness & vulnerability. It changed his (& the whole) story for the better. His story became one about how even the "popular" kids holding on for dear life.

Thank you to all the people who took on one- or two-off roles. Especially Daniel who reprized Mr. Sudsworth on basically no notice, & added another terrible father to Arcadia's roster, of a completely different flavor than the others.

...ok. Now I get to try to put into words how much mek & Erik's participation in this project has meant.

mek- on top of Niko being written specifically to & /for/ you, you are responsible for this show being what it is, & /how/ it is.

I'd originally planned to record this all asynch. You suggested trying to do it together over voice, & that was such a formative thing that I can't even imagine having done it another way. Niko's dialog may be largely my internal monologue, but it /always/ comes in your voice.

Your willingness to see this through with me, to record at a moment's notice, to help me sort through plotting problems, & to provide impeccable performances over, & over, & over for /four years/ has been the backbone of this show. There is no other voice I could have written for

& no other person that could have played Niko. Period. You let him be the protagonist, AND the audience stand-in POV. You let his /childishness/ shine through when it needed to, but never deprived him of agency or engagement. You showed his /growth/.

(& you pointed it out when I was losing track of his story in the others.) The fact that I can write his dialog almost without thinking is a testament to the consistency of your characterization and performance, and it's wonderful.

I would not have been brave enough to attempt something like this if you hadn't been cheering me on to try it. & I sure as hell wouldn't have kept going if you hadn't been so good at it I needed to know what was going to happen.a Thank you so, so much.

Lord, Erik how do I even /start/ yelling about you? I barely even /asked/ you when we started working on Arcadia, & now you have how many editing/sound designing credits?? The fact that you jumped in with me & said you'd figure it out as we went... I love you.

Your work on this show is so god damn good. Honestly, it /started/ good, & just got better. You produced an episode /every two weeks/ for 4 years with, what? a half-dozen delayed episodes in that /entire time/??????? And they're all /good/!!

More than that, though, you cheered me (& the show) on at every step. God knows I had more than a few crises of faith, & every time you encouraged me to keep going. You got excited about successes, & yelled right alongside me when good things happened.

I am /joyful/ getting to make things with you. Proud & grateful that you wanted to, & /keep/ wanting to. I am so damn spoiled to work with other editors, b/c you can take my "can there be a cricket tantrum here?" sound design notes and make works of art.

There literally would be no show without you. Not just because I'm not a good enough editor, but because you made the process of creating Arcadia so, so good, and fulfilling. I love you a lot. Thank you.

I'll end by saying that listening to the finale, I've realized that this story is /mine./ It's entirely wrapped up in how I think, & feel, & experience the world. Very honestly, it's a show that got made so I could listen to it.

I am thrilled & proud other people wanted to too.

Editing to add

(Fucking hell, this is what I get for copying & pasting from a Discord thread while in a zoom staff meeting.)

Rhys came in with like... 9 episodes to go, & ran away with the character such that they got written in even more so I could keep hearing them. You approached endless alliteration with absolute aplomb, & went from "maternal" to educational to fucking terrifying seemlessly.

I /also/ ended up writing more Mr. Baldwin so I could hear SJ be fucking terrifying too. The perfect god damn hateable man. But still charismatic & believable as a "community leader." ALSO the switch to Baldwin/Purchaser made me yell out loud.

I had no intention of adding characters beyond what I'd started with, but then Elliot. & Thomas. & Mr. Baldwin. & the Curator. ...hell, even the Monarch himself was an unexpected addition. I was so worried I'd end up with a Cast of Thousands that weren't needed, just b/c.

But every character (& actor!) added was such a net positive, & improved the show in very specific and direct ways that only that character (& actor!) could have done. I'm glad I took the risk. And even more glad you-all agreed to come onboard.

(Ok. that's the pre-written thread. from here on, it's off the cuff emotion. I'm sorry.)

[stabs-cake-with-salieris-dagger]

Recently I've made some interesting and surprising findings about mor that seem lesser known in the fandom (or maybe I just don't dig deep enough) Also I accidentally hit ctrl z while almost finishing up the post that I spent the past hour or so typing and it deleted most of what I've typed......... with tears I retyped everything again SIGH (resulting in me not proofreading any of this) 1. So I remember seeing somewhere that says mor has both Mozart and Salieri's compositions, which I thought it was false because it's all Mozart as far as I know. Until one day I actually looked at the credit a bit closer and found this:

This is the music that plays before victime de ma victoire. Mozart wrote fortepiano variations at 17 years old of Salieri's aria, so they really just used Mozart's version of Salieri's piece from one of his most popular operas???? It made me kind of mad but also this felt like a meta commentary considering it's associated with victime de ma victoire scene. It's a self aware song where Salieri is regretting, trying to come to terms of what he's done, and 'predicting' his failure. It serves as a commentary of the whole Mozart and Salieri matter beyond the scope of the show and ends in "J'ai perdu pour l'Histoire (I lost for history)." In this case it does feel like Salieri is being pushed aside in one of the worst possible ways, and I really wish some of his music could have made their ways into the musical properly. 2. I found a Playbill article talking about mor being in the middle of being adapted into English for Broadway in 2012...... which honestly I'm really glad it failed because I don't have faith that it'd be good. There's already the example of tdv, and the way they talk about it just doesn't seem... great, such as “bring shape and focus to the musical for American audiences” and "When the French write musicals, a lot of their songs are written like pop singles placed contiguous to each other, while on Broadway, it's necessary to have a storyline and a semblance of relationship.” Pop French musical isn't everyone's cup of tea and that's of course normal but the way it sounds like they're going to really Americanize it and rewrite it majorly and by storyline and relationship I take they mean needing musical motifs, reprises, and such. Just makes me feel they should just write a whole new musical?? And maybe it's just me but the tone sounds a little patronizing too? Though I do wish they could have released the cd and dvd in North America just because I'm Canadain lol Also curious if there was a time staging mor in Quebec would have been viable. 3. I spend too much of my time watching mor clips, but I've somehow never looked at performances pre proshot until recently. There were a few changes in the ~2 month (if my memory serves) between premiere and first proshot made to vivre a en crever that surprised me. First 2 screenshots from this video, and the rest from this one.

First of all, no handshake at on se reverra???? It's giving 2 bros chilling in the hot tub 5 feet apart cuz they're not gay

This is a little hard to see but Salieri is kneeling beside the wall as Mozart departs and it had me screaming ;; I know Laurent did kneel but I didn't know it was a thing in the French tour. This video gives a sliiiightly clearer silhouette of him kneeling but he's also blocked by Cavalieri.

Constanze running up to grab Mozart and refuse to let him go really had me by surprise and it's so heart breaking ;;;; I've been debating whether I like this better or the one that they ended up using where she just reaches out to him from the bed, because it kind of changes the tone of the scene.

Anyway thanks for reading if you've gotten this far. There's so many analysis posts I'd like to do but I simply don't have the energy to.... but if anyone wants to talk about analysis I'm more than happy to ramble lol

[read-and-write-]

2023 Fic Wrapped

Thanks to @anincompletelist for tagging me! This is such a fun thing to do!

Rules: Feel free to show whatever stats you have. Only want to show Ao3 stats? Rock on. Want to include some quantitative info instead of stats? Please do this. Want to change how yours is presented? Absolutely do that. There are no rules!

Posted on Ao3: 34,145 (Across 14 fics)

Written total: 152,778 (yes, i do have a lot of docs created, a lot more than anyone wants to see)

3 published fandoms: Red, White and Royal Blue, All for the Game, The Shadowhunters Chronicles

Longest work: and every song reminds me of you (4,088 words)

Shortest work: yo te llevo dentro, hasta la raíz  (546 words)

very real wips, things I'm actively working on

Super Six and the Siren's Call (PJO AU- +100k) co-written with @inexplicablymine and @happiness-of-the-pursuit one of the most wonderful projects I've had the honour to be a part of and I'm so exicted for people to see it

Toe the Line (Figure Skating AU - 20k currently) my dearest child, 60 pages of outline, investigation, character sheets and visions i have at three am for a random scene 5 chapter away

Y recuerda siempre que tú eres la medicina (A bilingual June character study) A companion piece of sorts for a train of thought (of things not to forget), June's perspective through it all, both in Spanish and English like Alex's. and with Natalia Lafourcade lyrics as a title because that's June coded

carved within the beauty, the darkness in between and without (your) love, I am nothing two pieces about religion and firstprince from each of their povs, a question about loving yourself and about loving someone else against the things you've been taught and finding divinity within each other.

not so real wips with a little less real word counts but a lot of vibes

Spiderman AU, my entry for the New Years Resolutions event of @thebrownstone, which means it'll get here at some point

MasterChef AU, my way to put my professional knowledge to good use, it was a silly funny story and it grew a plot

Dancer AU, a drabble fail that was just a vision and then some people kind of made it get a full dual pov, double 5 + 1 plot

Numbers are not everything but I do like data and stats

Kudos: 3,969

Comment Threads: 187

Bookmarks: 946

Hits: 37,149

Numbers do not define an author's worth, but I also can see how far I've gotten with just one day deciding I wanted to write and post my fun little words again

top 3 sorted by kudos

las formas de llamarte amor (2.5k - 630 kudos)

my first fic in the rwrb fandom, it makes me so happy to see it being loved, it was the ultimate show of self indulgence

Henry has been a public figure for most of his life, the reason why he’s been given dozens of titles, some kinder than others, he’s been the gay prince, the spare, the prince of England's hearts, the activist, the author. All of the titles are inevitably a part of his history, but the way Alex calls him is the most important of all. Because to Alex, he is sweetheart, amor, and corazón; Alex calls him mi vida in between kisses and whispers hermoso, lindo, precioso with his wandering hands working through Henry’s body. His name sounds better when it comes out of Alex’s lips. or 5 times Alex calls Henry a pet name in Spanish and one time he calls him by his name or Henry learns Spanish one pet name at a time

to belong to a family (even beyond this world) (2.5k - 578 kudos)

this one, this one i wrote with my own soul, i used my tears as ink, wrote it for the Halloween Huh fest and it all the comments have made me so incredibly happy

“Talk to him. They listen, they always listen,” Ligia says and Henry nods, she squeezes his hand again before turning back and leaving him alone in front of the ofrenda. It's very rare that Henry has been at a loss for words when he tries to talk to his father. He has spent countless nights speaking to the stars, looking for Orion and hoping that —wherever his father is— he is looking for it too. “Hi dad,” Henry says softly, taking another look at the picture of his father, smiling at the camera. “I missed you.” or When Alex and Henry go to Mexico for Día de Muertos a familiar face appears on the Díaz ofrenda

you are an idiot (i missed you) (1.6k - 475 kudos)

wrote this on a whim, blacked out and pulled this out of nowhere, my first fic for aftg and really just an excuse to write Andreil being married for convenience™

The best, and arguably the only, good part of playing on opposing teams from your husband was getting to play a match against him. Therefore one could say that Neil was very excited about getting to play against Andrew tonight. Not only because for the first time since the season started they'd finally be in the same State and City (And later after the game, the same house) but also because Neil thought Andrew was 100% hotter when he was playing (Not that he would tell him out loud), and seeing him live was definitely better than seeing him on a screen. There was also the added bonus of the infamous Minyard - Josten Rivalry. Or Neil and Andrew are having too much fun with their rivalry until someone else takes it too seriously, and then they have a talk.

Being a not native english speaker means that fanfic does teach me a lot of stuff, namely vocabulary this year stars some bangers

Saccharine

Ubiquitous

Litany

Chagrin

Filibuster

I created a total of 19 docs, which doesn't mean there's 19 fics there, but it also doesn't not mean it

Alex's POV wins with total of seven fics

Six fics have the tag of Alex Claremont-Díaz Speaks Spanish

Three of my wips have an outline longer than 10 pages

there's a 30%? chance I will write smut at some point in the new year

my funniest doc title is "If you have religious trauma and you know it clap your hands"

This year has been crazy, for many reasons but I'm glad I found this space and I'm glad I'm back to writing, and on top of it all I'm glad of being able to meet so many because of it.

And the year is not over yet! There's still more to come!

I'm tagging a few people, don't feel pressured to do this but if there's anything you feel proud of I'd love to see it @inexplicablymine @happiness-of-the-pursuit @affectionatelyrs @littlemisskittentoes @ssmtskw @raysletters @14carrotghoul @heybuddy-drabbles @suseagull04 @everwitch-magiks @sherryvalli @rockyroadkylers

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary290

7/5-6/24

friday - saturday

it is done!!!!!!!!!!!

i will probably do a proper post for it tomorrow, some time, like in the noon (not that it will get any people to listen really)

but here's the linxx!

and then here's the cover art!

#so funny (if you want to see what's going on, you should probably open it up in a separate tab and look at it zoomed in to see all the junk going on)

i'm glad i did the watermarks on the pics at the bottom there, it makes it kind of look uncomfortable, or like seedy i suppose, which helps a lot w/ what the cover is aiming for.

i think basically it's as good as i could have gotten it, the cover. i do like it, i feel like maybe i could do it better, if i planned it out more, maybe it looks like a mess to anyone else, it's kind of one intentionally but i mean, maybe in a bad way it's one too.

also, on bandcamp i wrote a big-ish thing about the album as it was made, here it is:

likely in progress since october of 2022, certainly in progress since november of 2022, finally complete in july 2024. these are songs about nothing especially. this album has seen: two apartments, one move, two jobs, a cockroach infestation, a mass shooting at the neighboring school of our last apartment, my girlfriend surviving the shooting because she was in a different building and he wanted to kill teachers because he did not get a job, the most traveling i've done in my life, myriad illnesses, various canker sores, working out through being sick, not recovering sooner because i had to work out because it would upset me to not complete the ritual as i normally do, the worst sore throat of my life, an ear infection, the starting of a public diary, the maintenance of a public diary, ants on the windowsill, ants in the flour, long standing friendships growing longer, shedding of irritability, regrowth of the irritability, self disgust of varying levels and varying causes, scrubbing the floor naked, bruising my knees at the melt banana show and bruising my knees doing kneeling squats and bruising my knees doing other things, the uneasy orbit of a sleep schedule (an asteroid almost, in capture, then, crashing), several remasterings, 2 computers, an apartment that's a single room, an apartment of multiple rooms cheaply constructed, inflation, grocery store packages changing graphic design, rotten fruit, eaten fruit, my girlfriend's mother loving then hating then loving us, rabbits in grass, rabbits on concrete, bird corpses and living birds and horses in a field for the rodeo and the bulls kept across from them moaning of a captivity under moonlight, the construction and completion of the las vegas sphere (orb of prosperity), numerous nightmares about being murdered, denver colorado, kyoto, tokyo, takeshita-dori street, all the green, a place where sad old gay men convened and sang karaoke remembering their youth in old mecha anime theme songs, a fashion magazine photographer speaking in english to me (stumbling in a beautiful way) "i hope to see you again one day", arizona and the asu campus, a strange fall fair where a woman told me to hold two pumpkins to my chest so it'd be like i had breasts (she seemed supportive), the strange trump-loving foodtruck that served elote that my gf liked, my most recent live performance with thomas since 2018, my girlfriend learning korean, completion of multiple books, falling in love with foucault as i did when i first read him in college, meeting people for the first time, meeting some for the second, sleeping on a bed in chicago, loving chicago, people staring at me in public, children staring at me, wondering if children hate me because at my root there is something wrong with me and everyone except me can tell, being published in various online journals, the coming first publication of my work in print, in a journal people hold in their hands of flesh, nothing special, everything special, stretches of relative silence, all the meaningless stuff, all the stuff i don't want to tell you because i like it too much. i already gave you too much, most likely. you will not have a sense of any of this as you listen to the record. i put it here, i don't know why. this album is 32 songs, 47-ish minutes long. you can click a button on a web site to listen to it, and you will hear it. 

credits

released July 5, 2024

Girlfriend - let me live, took me places, bought me food, let me cook, let me clean. m.b. ghul + clout jesus - voiceover/narration on track 1. please read his story here:

thomas / me and my kidney - let me use his microphone and audio interface to record extra vocals on panic! at the costco and au naturale. please listen to his music here:

georges bataille - wrote the sentence which i lifted for the album title (letter to kojeve where he begins talking about unemployed negativity) thomas hardy - wrote tess of the d'urbervilles which i quote on the final song. neighbors - let me scream and didn't ever complain or call the police. hospital terrorizer - i screamed and i wrote the songs and i made the cover and stuff.

but since i am on my blog i guess i can get into more detail about the record, and i also feel like anyone who reads this / has been reading this, you have actually seen what it's been like, the hostility of the little bit of writing i did for the album isn't really pointed back here, it's not necessarily a pose it's just like, i dunno, as a thing to make, there's so much time and effort, and most of that's invisible, that's not being said in a self pitying way, it's more about how that's the case for so much music, which makes it interesting, i think.

anyway, there's one song here called 'i didn't think before i started a diary' which isn't really about this diary, i wrote that song prior to even starting this, it's about something weird you can see w/ people who do have diaries on the internet, where some people like, years after they're done being updated, things like that, or even just posts / miniature diaristic stuff, of archiving all that, when really this is more about the practice/act than an archive to reach into history with. it was also inspired by a piece of poetry by a friend though i don't know if i could even find it. it's written from the perspective of someone wanting to archive a person, and i kept thinking about that from the other side. that's really the only song i have so much to say on i think, because the others are either a little more personal or a little more obvious, there's lots of political things, the song hell baby works off of a reference to hideshi hino's hell baby, the manga where a deformed baby is thrown into a dump and she is revived by flaming ghosts and wanders back to her family and then is shunned once again. it's really tragic.

anyway i know i said i'd have more pictures from yesterday to post but i've been busy all day with trying to get everything like ready enough, some songs feel a little odd still but that just seems like how they are, it's only 2 that feel a little odd and idk, if i really hate them eventually i will just remaster them and release them together or something but they sound good to me, i think i'm caught off guard by them because there's a newness about them, because i worked on one up to the last bit here, and another was the product of an error related to a crash where the .wav came out normal but the mp3 came out strange sounding i think, so i had to go back and re export. either way both sound good/cool just unexpected to me, and i am someone who had expectations that were precise about those songs, specific things about what frequencies were blasting when and how stuff sat, and then that's just new now.

tomorrow i have to make like... 3 posts inside the internet world, to make people maybe look at my album, and then it will be entirely/totally out of my hands, it will truly be over then, that's like the advertising period i get, lol, one day.

anyway i am super super tired right now, so i will sleep,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[violet-phoenix-nebula]

20 Questions for Fic Writers!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

65

2. What is your total AO3 word count?

325,309

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Actively: primarily Supernatural

Past: MCU, Harry Potter, Twilight, Divergent, Hunger Games, House M.D.,

4. Top 5 fics by kudos:

1. Disillusioned

Twilight, Bella/Carlisle, incomplete & on indefinite hiatus

2. Common Courtesy

Captain America, Steve/Bucky

3. Love Isn't All That It Seems (I've Been Sleepwalking)

Supernatural, [ship omitted out of respect for others]

4. The More That You Say, The Less I Know

Supernatural, Castiel/Dean

5. Plants Awoke and They Slowly Grow (Beneath the Skin)

Supernatural, Castiel/Dean Winchester

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes! I try to respond to all of them, though sometimes I miss an email and it takes me forever.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Going with only completed works, I'd say it'd be one of these two:

Knives In My Heart - Divergent, Eric/Tris, MCD

They're Burning All The Witches (Even If You Aren't One) - Captain America/MCU, Steve/Bucky, rape/non-con

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Oh god, honestly most of my works have happy endings, and a few with more open/ambiguous endings, so really there's no way to pick one.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

People seem more courteous now, but I used to all the time. I tend to add some kind of snarky iteration of "don't like, don't read" on most of my controversial ones now, but my ships have definitely gotten me hate.

9. Do you write smut?

Yes, though I just call it porn. I'm in spitting distance of 30. I call it what it is. And I'd say I'm pretty good at it, overall.

10. Do you write cross-overs?

Not full on, no. I've had a crossover moment or hint before, but full crossover fics, no. I'd like to experiment with it someday, but not right now.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of, but that doesn't mean it hasn't happened.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I'm 99% sure I have at least once, I know I've gotten at least one comment asking to. I never followed up on it though. Maybe I should.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Kind of? Though it was more a meshing of ideas and getting so much input from the other person that I credited them as a co-author, not them literally typing part of the fic.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Stucky (Steve/Bucky, Captain America/MCU) is my absolute OTP, forever and always. I have a few ships I love, but they're my #1. They're also one of, if not the only ship that's not problematic in any way, shape or form.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

Sadly, most of them. I started posting chapters as soon as I wrote them and then my hyperfixation for the pairing/fandom passed, and I lost all motivation. If I ever did a multi chapter WIP again, I'd probably get most or all of it written before I started posting it.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Definitely explicit material, porn, smut, whatever you want to call it. I've improved in the last few years for sure, and I know there's better than me out there, but I do pretty well.

I think I write well overall. There are some people who write and they have fantastic ideas but it just doesn't flow, and that's not a problem I've ever had.

I'm fantastic at one shots. I can write something short and sweet and tie it right up. Most of my work is under 10k.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I cannot write anything long worth a damn. My only longer works are unfinished, I completely lose steam. I currently have an AU in mind that I desperately want to write, but my history with abandoning multi chapter fics is scaring me away from starting it.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language?

I only speak English, so I don't. I used to try, until I was told that google translate sucks, so then I swapped to putting the English in italics.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Oh god, I have to go to FFN for this. Though before I actually joined any fanfic sites I sat down and wrote an alternate ending for the Twilight short story about Bree Tanner in a notebook, that was before I knew fanfic even existed. As far as posted works, it appears to be Hunger Games and Harry Potter.

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

Definitely All I Feel As I Get Closer To You, absolutely no contest. It's a Supernatural fic, Dean/Castiel set in season 10, at 9.2k words.

@aaronthe8thdemon is the only one I know for a fact writes fic regularly that I can think of off the top of my head, but I'll informally tag anyone who wants to participate.

[porcelainmortal]

20 questions for fic writers

thank you for the tags, @firenati0n and @myheartalivewrites!

How many works do you have on ao3?

Nine

What's your total ao3 word count?

72,997

What fandoms do you write for?

Red White & Royal Blue ❤️🤍💙

Top five fics by kudos:

it happened on a lake

handy for a handyman

a brit in brooklyn

when the curtains call the time

falling in a 5+1

The way that my handyman!alex series tapers off in kudos highlights how many people read the first part but have yet to read the rest!!

Do you respond to comments?

Yes, I try to respond to all of them! I appreciate that people took the time to comment, so I like to take the time to let them know it.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

None, happy endings only for my boys. 😁 Technically, being enough ends on a bit of an angsty note, but it's just a short snapshot of a moment in their lives, so it's not really the end of the story.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

They all have happy endings, but it happened on a lake looks into the future, so we get to see where they will end up. (Also there may be another chapter coming of this but shhh you didn't hear that from me.)

Do you get hate on fics?

Not really. I did get one comment on my angsty multi-chap that said Henry was pathetic. I thought that was mean, he's just Henry going through a hard time. And one comment on another fic that pointed out an editing mistake (which I appreciated) but then didn't comment on the fic at all. Like... is that all you took away from this? 😢

Do you write smut?

Yes. I sure do. 😆

Craziest crossover:

It's not technically a crossover, but it's also not *not* a crossover; the song of alex & henry has FirstPrince discussing The Song of Achilles and the similarities between them.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of!

Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, not yet. But I'd be open to it!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, I don't know how good I'd be at that. But it happened on a lake exists entirely because of @rmd-writes.

All time favorite ship?

Alex & Henry, hands down.

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I don't know if I could completely abandon a WIP. I have some fic ideas that I have written a couple of paragraphs for that might not get fully written, but I don't consider those to be WIPs. They are really just slightly fleshed-out ideas.

What are your writing strengths?

I have surprised myself with my ability to write sexy, flirty banter. I think I learned from reading all the best fic writer over and over again. When I am writing Alex and Henry, it just flows so easily. I feel like conversation in general is fairly easy to write; sometimes I have to force myself to add in some exposition.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I am not good at world-building. I don't have a ton of patience for setting a scene or explaining things. I want to get better at those things, so I was thinking of challenging myself to write a fantasy au or a historical au. I'm just so afraid of getting the details wrong. As a perfectionist, it can be hard to work past those things that make me uncomfortable.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

I love to read it - and thank goodness for Google Translate - but I haven't written any because I don't speak any other languages besides English. I am learning French so I might throw some of that in eventually, but if any native Spanish speakers want to offer their services so I can throw some of that in for Alex, please let me know!

First fandom you wrote in?

Twilight, when I was 21. Don't judge me. 😅

Favorite fic you've written?

Ah, I don't know! They all have such a special place in my heart. But honestly, my handyman!alex series has been incredibly gratifying. Not just writing it, but the comments that I've gotten on it.

That said, the Big Sad fic that is still a WIP is going to be something special, I think.

No-pressure tags for @cha-melodius @iboatedhere @orchidscript @clottedcreamfudge @cricketnationrise

And whoever else wants to play!

[luthien-under-bough]

20 Questions For Fic Writers

Tagged by @girlwithakiwi

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

97! I am scratching and clawing my way toward 100 this year.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

537,646 *probably at least 400k of that is Daemyra

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Almost exclusively House of the Dragon/ASOIAF since HOTD s1 aired and Daemyra consumed my life.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

i got a bad desire (baby i'm on fire) - Daemyra modern AU multi-chapter (WIP)

ain't nobody hurt you like i hurt you  - Daemyra modern AU multi-chapter (complete)

better not touch (i want it too much) - Daemyra modern AU multi-chapter (complete)

...anyone noticing a theme? 👀

I found some hate for you, just for show - Daemyra canon divergence oneshot

do you feel the hunger? - Daemyra canon divergence oneshot

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to respond to all of them! Sometimes I get behind, but I usually get to them by the time I post a new chapter, at least.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Uhh probably i've looked at clouds from both sides now. Even though only one of the major characters dies, it somehow still feels angstier than the literal necrophilia fic where they both die.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I feel like most of my other fics have a happy ending? Both of the completed multi-chaps I linked above definitely do.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I occasionally get a rude comment, but I have no qualms about being a dick or just deleting/blocking. I have gotten a few tumblr anons that made me roll my eyes, but any hate I get has been firmly a THEM problem and not a ME problem. Haters stay pressed. 💅

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

It's a rare day when I do not write smut. I write all kinds. Since writing in the Daemyra fandom, my list of "hard no's" when it comes to writing has rapidly diminished; it seems like every other day I discover a new kink that makes my brain do a record-scratch. I started writing fic again in 2020, and published baby's first smut shortly thereafter, but it was fairly standard stuff. Now I'm like "well if you aren't literally digesting your lover, is it really romance??!"

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

The only crossover I've written is a House of the Dragon/Naked Attraction crackfic that infected my brain during the depths of binge of the latter show.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Only one that I know of - someone copy/pasted all of do you really feel alive without me into different chapters of their ""fic"".

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

for our blood is restless was translated into Russian here.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No. My writing process is chaotic and inconsistent and I would not inflict that on another writer. I'm also very particular about what I do and do not want to write, as well as my prose, so I don't think co-writing is for me. If we don't like to break the rules of English grammar in the exact same way, I'm afraid we won't be able to get along.

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

I mean, I think it's pretty obvious. 😅 Daemon Targaryen/Rhaenyra Targaryen (House of the Dragon) has only been my OTP for <2 years, but they are already my all time favorite. Prior to that, it was Dramione (Harry Potter), Cullen Rutherford/Female Inquisitor (Dragon Age: Inquisition), and Aloy/Avad (Horizon Zero Dawn).

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Not technically a single WIP, but I always meant to add more stories to my collection of Cullen/Inquisitor Dragon Age fics (most of which I posted during Swoon June 2022). It's possible I'll experience another burst of inspo for that fandom when Dragon Age: Dreadwolf finally comes out, but I'm pretty firmly entrenched in Daemyra for the foreseeable future.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue, characterization, ANGST. I think my smut is pretty hot. Idk I generally like everything about my writing. That's why I keep doing it.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Uhhh anything to do with plotting or planning. We thrive on vibes here. ✌️

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Beyond the occasional word or phrase in High Valyrian for my HOTD/ASOIAF fics, I cannot be bothered. Italics and a dialogue tag do me just fine.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

This changes semi-regularly, but my current favorite is one that I'm actively writing - a Daemyra early marriage canon divergence (milk teeth). Also because I just re-read this the other night - surrender (a rare non-Daemyra HOTD fic).

No pressure tags: @anamazingangie, @ar-feyniel, @grandlovescheme, @crimson-tulip, @bluegoldrose

[papillon82fluttersby]

Famous Five Art Nostalgia - What's next?

Last week, I posted the illustrations from the last book in the series. Does it mean that this series of posts is over? Nope! I have several ways in which I can keep these going.

First off, I've been working on the "publishing overview" I mentioned once, to give a comprehensive view of the various Famous Five editions in France (and French-speaking Switzerland). I'm hoping to post it in the course of the week or next Sunday.

Secondly:

😼

That's right, the illustrations posts are not over yet! After visiting several neighbouring flea-markets and combing second-hand bookshops and retail sites, I have gotten hold of pretty much all of the books I was missing and actively looking for. I'm still missing #05 Five Go Off in a Caravan / C5 et les saltimbanques illustrated by Nonna - I do have a lead but it's rather more expensive than what I'd like to spend on it and I'm still undecided if I'll cave for completion's sake. Also missing from the above picture is one book that I ordered but is currently stuck in one of the transporter's logistic sites. 😬 Cross your fingers for me that it will get unstuck soon! 🤞

I updated the Masterpost with the upcoming posts so you can see what's in store (mostly Sidobre)!

Third, did you know that the original 21 books written by Blyton were not the full story? Well, not quite. After Blyton's passing in 1968, and due to series' being wildly popular in France at the time, one of the translators of the series, Claude Voilier, wrote an additional 24 books! Most of them were in turn translated into English but, as I understand, they were never as popular as the original series - which is perfectly understandable. Admittedly they're not quite as good as the original series but it's a continuation with our beloved characters anyway!

Following my touring of flea-markets and second-hand resources, I now have a copy of these additional 24 books and you can expect a post detailing each of their respective plots and related illustrations. I read less than half of this second series when I was a child, so the rest will be a discovery for me too!

And fourth, I noticed that some scenes from the original series were particularly popular among illustrators and I thought it would be interesting to gather the different views of a specific scene in one post. Same thing with character portraits, I could do a post showing the various depictions of some of the supporting characters.

If you have other ideas of what I could do, please let me know! The only think I'm vetoing beforehand is a detailed analysis of the translations because that would be much too time-consuming. But I'd be willing to make such an analysis on a specific scene or chapter if you're interested. Again, please let me know!

So, here are my plans and I hope you'll come along with me in furthering this adventure ☺️

Last thing: I recently updated several of the past posts with better-resolution images of some of the cover art, so go back and have a look if you'd like! 👀

[notmaplemable]

I’d love to hear about your fics and your process as a writer.

How long have you been writing, did you do any fics before RWBY, and do you feel like your writing has evolved over time?

Well, I first started doing creative writing outside of English assignments during my Junior year of HS (11th grade), which would have been 2017/18. But I didn't start with fan fiction. I've written a full 92kish fantasy novel.

Which I wrote on and off from 2017 to very early 2020. And it's terrible. Which, it was my first attempt at long form writing, so it was going to be terrible no matter what. But it was the best I could do at the time and I certainly wouldn't be as skilled as I am now, which still isn't very skilled, if I didn't write it. So you gotta take the good with the bad.

And no, I will never ever ever ever release that document to the public. You people deserve better than that.

Then I didn't really write anything at all from March of 2020 to around this time last year. Why? To make a long story short, medical problems. I had to be rushed to the ER in March of that year, I've spend several days in the hospital since then, I almost had to drop out of college at one point, and I had my last surgery towards the end of August last year.

I actually wrote my first post here, It Worked For Mom, while I was recovering from surgery. So there's a bit of a fun fact for this blog.

I started maybe 5 or 6 Fallout and Dragonball fics while I was in HS that never made it past the first chapter. That I also never published.

I wrote my first RWBY fic around the end of May last year. Rosa Aurum which means Rose Gold in Latin, and yes it was Lancaster. I've been on that train since day 1. Which was sort of my spiritual successor to Beacon Beckons if you've ever read that fic.

I didn't even finish the first chapter for that one.

My second attempt at a fic was actually Lancatster (Jaune x Ruby x Blake) but I can't find the file anymore. And I don't remember the name, but I do remember making it to chapter 2 with the one. So, progress.

------

Now, with everything I wrote from High School to the fic before Ghosts of Summer I had a pretty thorough outline. I fact, it'd say the I probably over planned. The outline document for my novel is about 37k words itself. Which considering the finished novel is a little over 90k, having your outline be 1/3 the size of the finished project is just absurd.

And I tried to use that same method for those first 2 fics that never went anywhere. Safe to say, didn't really work out.

With Ghosts of Summer, which is the first fic I've published and the first that's really made it very far, I've kind of just used the Tumblr version as a rough outline. Which is also what I've done with Ginger Whisper and Arc-Noire and will do with my other series most likely.

So, I've gone from a hardcore planner to a kind of a middle ground between planning and pantsing.

So I guess you can say my planning method now is to throw ideas at you people, see the reaction and if there's any feedback, and see if I like the idea in practice as much as I like it in theory. Which helps me decide if I want to pursue that idea in the novelization or not.

I've recently started giving myself a minimum amount of words to write in a day. 1k words a day. So, actively tracking the amount I write a day has helped me quite a bit in writing consistently. Instead of kind of just waiting for inspiration and hoping that carries me along.

Which is how I've managed to write four 5k+ chapters of three different fics over the past month and change. And I do plan on being much more consistent on the front in the future.

------

As for how my writing has evolved over time. Well, I think my dialogue has gotten a lot better. As well as my prose and writing in general has gotten a lot easier over time.

I'm still terrible with plots. And I'm absolutely terrible with writing body language. So, I think I tend to rely a little bit too much on showing over telling on that front.

I do think I've gotten better overall in the last few months. I think most of that just comes from consistently writing and practice does make perfect. And the fact that I've had the opportunity to work with other wonderful writers on here really had helped too.

But, there's still a lot for me to improve on and I'm going to work hard to continue improving my writing. I do eventually want to be published, so I have a long way to go.

One interesting thing though is that I don't really have any more anxiety when it comes to writing or posting my writing. Not really sure why though.

------

I'm happy to answer any more questions you might have.

[crow-caller]

ive been writing book reveiws for a while, just for me. like, i have a whole file full of docs about books ive liked, hated, or a bit of both. And I want to post them because i find them interesting, but im very nervous that I'll say something wrong or just ramble and sound stupid. You seem very put together though, did you have the same anxieties? if so, how did you overcome them?

(sorry if this is poorly written english is not my first language)

It's nice to know I seem put together, because I'm actually a huge mess and very sloppy!

Book reviews are very fun to write. I love the feeling of finishing a book and thinking about how I'll write up my thoughts. I've gotten better and developed more of a style over time too.

The first thing is to get a blog for it. I'd really recommend wordpress- I cross post here, but tumblr itself isn't a great format for a review blog. I'd also say crosspost to Goodreads/Storygraph. What helps with the anxiety of posting reviews is the fact you'll probably get only a few views. This sounds discouraging but can be a big plus. After having my blog casually for like 4 years and having over 100 (huh??) reviews, my total viewcount was still only a few thousand, like 2k a year. This was enough that friends were reading it and random internet people were, which was nice, but not so high I could panic I was going to get cyberbullied.

Posting a review and getting up to 50 views? That's 50 people who maybe read my review, baby! That's actually nice. That gives space to post reviews and feel confident doing so- getting a bit of positive feedback and feeling rewarded for writing the review, but also plenty of space to get better and improve at review writing. It's a small confidence boost that can encourage you to just keep writing.

I have quite bad anxiety- used to be worse- so I think about my reviews a lot. I also used to be worse at reviews, so I think about my old reviews a lot. The thing is, the best way to improve your writing is to keep writing. Find your own voice and system for it. And reread it! I reread my own reviews every so often to refresh my memory or for fun, and that really helps. Hindsight means I can see where I WISH I'd expanded on something more, phrased it better, or rambled. It's okay to ramble or be informal- I am- but if you're worried you do it too much, ask someone else for their thoughts or try using a structure. My reviews were all over the place until I started using sections like "Plot", "Characters", "Moon Squid Hell"!

Book reviewing is not something that is generally a high octane high fame thing. it's one of my precious hobbies I genuinely love, and if you've been writing reviews only for yourself, you obviously like it too! It'll only get a lot of attention if you're lucky, if you cover the right books, if you're even more lucky... but the reward of just getting to talk about something you read and put your thoughts down is fantastic. I wrote reviews for myself, but I found out by sharing them my friends liked them too, and so the biggest high of finishing a book and review was getting to post it in the group chat and seeing reactions. I really think the feeling of accomplishment for your work will best your anxiety, and rather than be discouraged if you don't get thousands of views immediately, having few views can actually beat your anxiety.

Hope that helps!

[thatgoblin]

In Which Emery Sees Discourse and Does a Deep Dive on Resident Evil 4 (SPOILERS)

So, the whole reason this is eating at my brain is because of the back and forth that I've seen over 'Is Resident Evil 4 Leon Misogynistic?'

It never really crossed my mind that it was to the point that I would change my mind about how much I liked it. In fact I never thought that about any of the main characters being particularly misogynistic. The concept sounded foreign to me because I had grown up with these games. I was 7 when the first game came out and was thrilled to see a badass like Jill as a playable character. (I had no business playing those games, but not the point.)

I was equally as thrilled to see Claire Redfield appear in RE 2 and to see Jill come back for RE 3. I never got the chance to play Code Veronica, but I did recently watch a play through of it and wish I had gotten to play it. The last RE game I was able to play was RE 4 on GameCube.

My older brother had owned the games and I wasn't able to really make saves so only when he was away could I get a chance to have a whack at the game. Which meant trying to play through it all in a weekend. RE 4 came out in 2005, I was 16 at the time and liked playing those games along with Mario and Spyro and Blood Rayne.

At that time, media was pretty weird with feminism. Since I grew up in the 90's there were always plenty of badass females for me to follow, even if they weren't as butch as I would have liked them to be. Girl Power was poked fun at a lot, not taken very seriously, but a lot of my childhood heroes always made a point to say girls are awesome and can do anything they want just like boys or even better than boys.

What does that have to do with RE 4 Leon being misogynistic though?

Well, let's take a look at the year that the game came out. It was released in January of 2005 exclusively for GameCube. It was at the end of the year that Capcom added Playstation 2 to it's playable consoles. That means it was years in the making by the time it was released, approximately 3 years of work. For simplification, it was started in January of 2002.

Any media at the time would have definitely been an influence on the creation of the story.

Still doesn't explain if Leon is a dirty misogynist or not.

I'm getting there.

The writer of the game itself was Shinji Mikami who also was the director of the original Resident Evil, helped produced Resident Evil 2, 3, and Code Veronica, was an advisor for Resident Evil Gaiden, directed the Remake of the original, was an executive producer for Resident Evil Zero, and wrote/directed Resident Evil 4.

Mikami wrote the script that would be later translated by Shinsaku Ohara into English. There of course would be changes because of cultural differences. While the Japanese version is written as a serious piece, the English version isn't. Something else that isn't in the Japanese script is the blatant anti-American-ese of basically everyone in the game not American.

For the English translation that's not surprising as The Twin Tower attacks in New York had happened very, VERY recently in time frame of this game being made, about 6 months give or take. It was a time where toxic patriotism was running rampant and all the bad guys had to be anti-American even if they were American themselves. The American media pushed this one ideal of a while, male hero hardcore. While there were still other shows/movies/books/etc. that featured POC leads and female leads, the hero was mostly a white guy.

But, does that make someone misogynistic?

Not necessarily.

Misogyny by definition is a dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.

There's also such a thing as passive misogyny, the 'here let me help you with that little girl' type. It's not aggressive or violent, but puts women down.

Which is in a lot of Japanese media. It's not being mean or harassing, but creating this set of rules that women/girls are fragile and need to be cared for by men. Even the most stubborn female leads need a man to help them. A lot of the shows that I enjoy have this in it.

Ouran High School Host Club is a good example of it. While Haruhi is supposed to be 'one of the guys' Tamaki constantly chastises her for not asking for help because she is a girl. The tone and the wording and the music make it out to be a sweet, caring gesture, but at the end of the day, Tamaki doesn't think Haruhi can take care of herself. He's always rushing in to rescue her even when she doesn't ask for it or even necessarily need it. The entire host club does this, but it's treated as romantic.

And guess what year it was created? 2002. Originally a manga, it was translated into English and then made into an Anime shortly after in 2006 while the manga was still being published.

That's nice and lovely information, but what about LEON?

I am finally there! I promise!

So, let's go over the events as a whole for RE 4 now that I've explained the era that it was made, the background, as well as who helped create it.

In short RE 4 is about STRATCOM agent Leon S. Kennedy, one of the few survivors of the Raccoon City outbreak, is sent on a mission to protect the president and his family. Before he starts, Ashley Graham, the president's daughter, is kidnapped. Leon sets off to find and rescue her with the help of fellow STRATCOM agent Ingrid Hunnigan as his eye in the sky and handler. His leads take him to Spain where he finds a cult called Los Iluminados who kidnapped Ashley to infect her with Lost Plagues. The plan was to send her back to the President to spread the cult leader's, Prophet Saddler, powers.

Leon runs into Ada Wong and Jack Krauser his ex-partner whom he thought was dead, but really had been infected by Wesker who wanted a sample of the parasite. Lots of running around, losing Ashley, getting Ashley back, sparring with Ada, 'flirting' with Ada, and fighting Krauser, all to end with Ada getting the parasite sample as the now healthy and parasite free duo of Leon and Ashley ride off into the sunset on a jet ski.

The lines are cheesy and fun, the game play is awesome, Leon's legs are a character of their own, an all around good game.

I actually went back to look at the lines of the characters to see what could possibly have set people off on whether or not Leon is a misogynist.

For the first hour or so of the game, it was just the story not the full game paly, I honestly didn't see a lot. There was one quip with Hunnigan about 'being lonely' because she was worried about Leon after he hadn't responded for six hours, but it was oddly placed and not even acknowledged. It also wasn't very targeted in my opinion. As in it was specifically meant to be a slight at a woman. You could have Hunnigan be a man and that line would still be awkward, but still just a sarcastic remark that's quickly dropped.

The other instance was after rescuing Ashley and she and Leon are running from the church, there's an area that has ladders that the player would climb up and down. If you knock down a ladder and put it back up as Ashley stands at the edge, she'll yell at Leon for being a perv as he puts the ladder back up. Apparently because he's looking up her skirt? Except he doesn't.

The next bit of the game, Leon is caring and concerned for Ashley. He's not making random one liners that would suggest he didn't like her or thought she was a burden or annoying. He reassures her that he'll get her home and he'll make sure she doesn't turn into one of them. After she's captured he has to find a way to get her free again, running into Ada Wong.

This is where I can see people getting an impression of Leon being less than thrilled with women. Except it's aimed at just one woman, Ada. Ada's character is very independent and very self serving. She doesn't care about people as a whole, but has a soft spot for Leon. He knows this, but it doesn't make them friends. It's written to have them be mirror images of each other. Ada on the 'bad side' and Leon on the 'good side.'

His line of 'Sorry, but follow a lady's lead just isn't my style,' isn't a jab at women. It's a jab at Ada. They didn't leave on good terms and he knows she's not there to be the hero. Leon understands Ada will always have another agenda, one that earns her money, and he doesn't think for a second that she cares more about him than that. She's someone who can't handle being in a regular relationship or have any type of constraints.

A lot of people get upset at the pairing of Ada and Leon because it's toxic, but that's the point. The end game with those two isn't happily ever after, it's the continual clashing of Leon sacrificing himself for the greater good and Ada looking out for Ada. I personally enjoy this because it's not done often, Batman/Catwoman comes to mind, but those two do eventually get together. It also makes things interesting and not in a 'will they or won't they' trope. They never will in cannon and that's okay.

In this scene in this moment, Leon isn't being prejudice or looking down on women, he's dealing with a specific woman who has hurt him and used him and left him with complicated feelings. If someone came out of the woodwork after doing something similar to you, you wouldn't exactly be pleased to see them. While he may make small jabs at her, Leon does care because that's who Leon is. He cares about people, even the ones who betray him.

Fast forward some more and Leon gets Ashley back. They have a small moment of hugging where Ashley actually starts to apologize for making this hard and running away, but Leon doesn't let her. He knows she has nothing to apologize for. She's a scared kid, 20, who was not prepared for something like this AT ALL. He's been through hell and hates that someone else has to go through it too and that someone isn't equipped to handle it in the least.

Ashley is captured again. (Pretty sure there was a damsel in distress kink happening here, but that's my opinion >.> )

More of Leon trying to save Ashley, we see Saddler order Krauser to get Ashley and deal with Leon, then Ada shows back up again with the speed boat to get to the island where Ashley is being held. As they get near it, in true Ada fashion, she takes off like Spiderman with a grappling hook while sending the boat, STILL GOING FULL SPEED WITH LEON IN IT, towards the cliffs.

Cue my gif at the top.

Leon manages to keep from dying and stops the boat in time with a sigh of relief and a tired 'Women.'

It's not really meant for his disdain of women in general, it's aimed at Ada. Ya know, cause she kinda almost killed him. It's not meant as a 'all women are the same and complicated,' type of response. In the late 90's to mid 2000's it was a pretty common thing to heave a heavy sigh and say 'men/women' after a particularly troublesome encounter with that gender. It's not meant as a generalization, but as a response to that particular person in the situation.

Ada also isn't helping too much and sending him towards jagged cliffs and break neck speeds would warrant a heavy sigh and grumble.

Once he has rescued Ashley, again, they run to escape down a garbage chute that Ashley refuses to go down.

She gives a very Valley Girl 'No way!' to which Leon gives his surfer dude 'Way.' before dragging her down the chute with him.

She screams as they go down and both land unharmed. She yells at him about being crazy because they could have gotten really hurt, he says 'I'd knew you'd be fine if you landed on your butt.'

She get's huffy at him and follows him out.

That's a pretty standard way of flirting in media at that point in time. Up class girl with down town boy trope where he makes a 'sexual joke' about her and she gets upset or pretends to. This one isn't really even that deep. Leon's making a joke and possibly doing a bit a flirting. He's gotten used to her being herself and is even trying to lighten the mood.

ONCE MORE WITH FEELING ASHLEY IS KIDNAPPED BY SADDLER!

Girl can't catch a break.

Then we go through Leon fighting Krauser the first time, Ada coming in to talk, Leon running off to fight Krauser for the 2nd time, Mike the helichoopy pilot making a brave effort before getting blown up. Saddler leaves with Ashley to another part of the island.

Ada shows up again and under the control of the parasite in him, Leon attacks her. He tries to strangle her before she stabs him in the leg and he's able to regain control of himself. He and Ada team up/split up to find Ashley to get rid of the parasites in them. Leon finds Ashley with Saddler, he goes to rescue her as Ada shows up to offer cover fire.

Leon takes Ashley to the machine they need to get rid of the parasite, they take turns in it and make a run for where they need to go to get off the island. They get to the FINAL BOSS stage where Saddler has Ada tied up. He does his big boss speech, Leon frees Ada, kills Saddler, and then just like in RE 2, Ada takes the parasite sample and leaves Leon.

She does toss him a teddy bear keychain with a jet ski key on it though as a means of escape. Leon grabs Ashley and runs for the jet ski where he tells her 'Hang on, Sweetheart!' before zipping out of the pip they're in and out into the ocean. Ashley falls off, but Leon quickly scoops her up and they're heading back home.

Ashley casually asks if Leon wants to go back to her place for some overtime and Leon chuckles and says sorry.

She asks who Ada is and he explains she's a part of himself that he can't let go and they leave it as that as they ride into the sunset.

There's an epilogue as well where Hunnigan is able to get back in touch with Leon. She's relieved that the line is jack free, he makes a comment about how she's not wearing glasses and confirms he rescued Ashley and is on his way home. She's glad to hear that then Leon says she looks cute without her glasses and asks if he can have her number when he gets back. Hunnigan gives him a sigh and reminds him he's on duty to which he replies 'story of my life.'

The epilogue was kind of odd, but also funny and cute. It's not really calling Leon a ladies man or making him look like one. Again, it's Leon trying to forget about the shit he just went through and if he could get a date or something a pretty girl why not?

Also, I'm pretty sure he said no to Ashley because 1. Presdent's daughter. 2. Her father ordered Raccoon City nuked. 3. He doesn't have that kind of chemistry with her.

So, to say if Leon is indeed a horrible misogynist is not true. He's not written like that at all. To argue so would mean you either didn't play the game, took things out of context, or didn't understand the media from that time period. Also, to argue that he's a perfect little bean isn't okay either. Leon has flaws and flawed characters make for good stories.

Going over the script, which I will link, and seeing what instances may cause that speculation or opinion, there really isn't anything to back it up. He's not even in passive misogynist territory really. He's kinda flirty, but he's never inappropriate or makes comments about women in general and each time it looks like he is, it's taken out of context. Put back into context, it makes a lot more sense and clears things up.

At the end of the day RE 4 Leon just reads like a tired guy that wants to keep people safe, do his job, and maybe get some dinner with a cutie.

I dub RE 4 Leon NOT misogynistic.

At the end of the day, things are not black and white. While Leon was not misogynistic, some characters were and were written that way on purpose, I.E. Luis, who would comment on Ashley's body a lot in the game. That extends to all media. There's shades of misogyny everywhere and while it's not the best, it's not the worst either. We've come a long way from where women weren't even allowed to be in theater to where queer female representation is starting to get more and more wider and in depth.

The Resident Evil games aren't perfect in representation, with only two or so POC characters that are a lead and the rest white as starters, it doesn't mean the whole thing is bad.

To say the whole thing is bad and unredeemable because of a few parts isn't healthy. Not everything is going to be the most inclusive, feministic, master piece, and that's okay. You don't have to make a stand and say 'I would never consume this media!' and also you don't have to force people to like it.

The whole discourse about whether or not Leon is misogynist is pretty new to me, considering the fact that the game came out in 2005. Media from the past isn't going to be the best and people need to understand that. I still watch shows where POC actors would never be featured or gay people were punch lines. I watch them because I like them and they make me nostalgic. Resident Evil makes me nostalgic as well because I grew up with it.

I'm always going to have a soft spot for this franchise and while people will make wide assumptions about it or take things out of context knowingly or unknowingly, I'm not going to let that ruin things for me. The same for if people disagree with me entirely on this. Discourse can be healthy because it makes people think, but when it gets out of hand and sides are taken in a black and white state then it gets toxic. You can agree or disagree on things, but you should also make informed decisions for yourself. Making it a big deal of picking who you agree with or don't to the point of being rude and hateful to one another doesn't make you sound like you have all the information let alone know what you're talking about.

Get the facts, look them over, take time to study them, then engage.

After all, at the end of the day, even though it is my special interest and I adore it, Resident Evil is just a game and there are much bigger things to worry about.

Take it from your local, 32 year old goblin, this isn't a hill to die on. Now go drink some water and have a snack and if it's that time for you, get some fucking sleep.

[seventhrounder]

I went thru my folder with old hockey magazines I had saved from around 2011 to 2015 and came across this one and thought it could be a fun to make a post about now in hindsight.

This is Jääkiekko magazine from May 2012, they always have a section of "99 questions with ..." and in this issue they interviewed Teräväinen.

I’ve translated the questions I found interesting under the cut! It ended up being about half of the interview. (*) are my additions.

On the cover "seuraava superjokeri" means the next super joker, he played for Helsingin Jokerit so it's a word play from that. Under, on the blue print it says: "The 17-year-old forward will become a first round draft pick in the summer. The natural goal scorer can dominate in SM-Liiga as soon as next season."

In the 2nd photo the headline and lead paragraph goes:

"A post with dents* - A year ago Teuvo Teräväinen was known only within a small number of hockey insiders. Few passers-by recognize him now either but after a flashy rookie season the Jokerit sensation is on the radar of every NHL team and is a strong contender to become a first round draft pick. Next season with Jokerit the talented second line center will be one of the main talking points in the SM-Liiga."

(*references the net Teräväinen had in his backyard and into which he practiced his shooting)

3. You've been described as a magician, top scorer, wunderkind and a prodigy. What do you think of these descriptions?

TT: Heh, those are some descriptions yeah. What can I really say? Don't really wanna comment on them much.

4. How nervous are you about the Draft?

TT: I try not to be nervous as best as I can. In a way I don't have anything to be nervous about since I don't care which team picks me or at what number I go.

6. Which is stressing you more, English interviews or physical tests?

TT: Maybe both. Bench press (laughs) and English interviews can be tough.

12. How far along have you planned your career with, for example, your parents or your agent?

TT: Haven't really planned things with others but I've thought about them myself. I try to go step by step and not jump too far ahead.

14. How does it feel to be so young with all the star players in Jokerit?

TT: How to say it? I haven't felt like I was young but a part of the team instead. The team's been very good with me and they haven't been looking down at me like: "oh he's young". It's been fun to play in an experienced team.

15. Is there a generational gap between players?

TT: You can see the age difference, older players look older but we're all childish, at least with our topics.

17. What does a 17-year-old do in the sauna nights of the team?

TT: I actually haven't been in any yet. I've always been at national team's camps or something.

19. Did you get the number you wanted?

TT: I did, yeah. I could've taken #18 but Semir (Ben-Amor) has it. But i'm happy with #86, it's good.

23. What are your strengths as a player?

TT: Offensive play and with that playing with the puck, passing, IQ, power play and skill, just the usual skill - skill with hands.

24. And weaknesses?

TT: They are to do with defensive play, strength and physicality. Battles and such but I think I took a step forward last season. That's a good thing.

25. Have you ever been "pressed into a mold" or has your playing style gotten to develop naturally?

TT: As a kid the play was mostly offensive/attacking, I didn't have to think about playing defence. Up until 15 years old, I got to attack pretty freely. Playing defence became more important when I started to play in A-juniors a couple seasons ago.

26. On a scale from 1 to 10 how determined are you?

TT: Maybe 8, feels like an 8.

32. What kind of role are you planning to take with Jokerit next season?

TT: I think a pretty big one. I try to be a top player and not just take others' example but give others example myself too. So that someone in the team can take something out of the way I do things on the ice and off the ice.

35. If you could pick anyone, who would be your car driver?

TT: Nico Manelius for sure. He's been my driver this season. I've had others too, like Riku Hahl but he's not nearly at the same level. Nico’s clearly the best.

36. What are the most important qualifications to be a good driver?

TT: The car is obviously important. Hahl's car is totally awful, he takes a lot of heat for it from the guys too. I wouldn't dare driving with him. Manelius is a steady performer, never lets you down.

38. What sports did you play as a 10-year-old?

TT: Hockey and floorball, probably football (soccer) during the summers at the time too.

42. When did you decide to focus only on hockey?

TT: So when I stopped playing other sports? Three years ago, before that floorball was kind of a side thing, I played a couple of games in the regular season and playoffs.

45. Do you follow floorball or other sports? Go to games?

TT: I don't go to games but I like to watch floorball on TV, it's an interesting sport. Sometimes I watch football too but I don't follow it much. Feels like they never score there.

47. Have you ever played with a wooden stick?

TT: As a kid I did play with a wooden stick.

49. You won the hockey players' golf tournament last summer even though there were more experienced players too. Are you good with all stick games?

TT: Well, I've been pretty good in all of them. I've played golf for a long time and still play it.

50. How is your swing?

TT: Pretty bold, kind of a hockey swing. I don't really care where the ball goes - as long as it goes far.

52. What do you think of off-ice training?

TT: Let's just say it's more stupid than being on the ice but you still gotta do it to be better on the ice.

56. Which word describes your professional relationship (with his coach, Tomek Valtonen), tranquil or colorful?

TT: Colorful of course. At times we're joking around, other times it's more serious but the relationship is really good.

57. Coaching you has been described in many words: good, bad, worse. What are they?

TT: Heh, well... I won't tell them here. He (Tomek) keeps the discipline during practices but sometimes when things haven't gone to a plan I've had to jump on an exercise bike in the middle of a practice.

58. What have been the reasons?

TT: I'll quote Tomek: "when I haven't been present".

59. Have you ever tried to turn the resistance of the bike to zero?

TT: (Laughs) Of course I have and sometimes I've even succeeded.

60. Describe your diet in three words?

TT: Greasy, healthy and good!

64. Your first name is not common for people your age. How did your parents come up with it?

TT: I actually don't even know. Maybe they didn't want a usual Ville*....

(*very common name for men of all ages in Finland)

66. Which of these is the most important: skill, unexpectedness or courage?

TT: Skill!

68. Your longest video game stint?

TT: Six hours, at least. I've played a lot of War of Duty lately.

72. The dumbest thing that has made you upset in hockey?

TT: Probably if I didn't get an assist on a goal even though I should have. Or even worse is if I score and they mark it down for someone else.

79. Have you had any concussions?

TT: I haven't had any, I've managed to always dodge them.*

(*ouch, tho it's good the recent one is his only as far as i remember)

84. In 2011 Team Finland finished in the 5th place at the U-18 tournament. Why only as 5th?

TT: Because we lost to Team Russia in the quarter final, just as well we could have won that game too.

89. You didn't get to be on the ice to accept the SM-Liiga bronze medal (because of the U-18's). When and where did you get it?

TT: I actually still haven't received it, I don't know where it is.

93. What is the population of Helsinki?

TT: There's like 5 million people in Finland so maybe around 500k in Helsinki? (to be exact 596k) Did i really get it right...?

94. Who's the mayor of Helsinki?

TT: I don't know, I barely know the president.

95. Do you think the municipalities in the capital city area should merge?

TT: Luckily I don't have to decide but they probably shouldn't.

96. What do you check first in the news paper?

TT: The sports section.

97. Your favorite tv show?

TT: Putous* was pretty good, I liked a lot of the characters. The grandma was pretty good.

(*Finnish live improvisation comedy/sketch show (there are still new seasons, the latest just finished). Every actor comes up with a humor character with a catchy phrase and one of them wins. "The grandma" is Marja Tyrni and I just got such flashbacks from typing this sentence.)

98. Last book you read?

TT: I don't read many books. The last book was a study book, a Finnish book. I wrote an essay on Tiki (Esa) Tikkanen's biography. An eventful book, great career and a lot of chirps.

99. Who should we ask the 99 questions next?

TT: Riku Hahl could have good stories, he's also seen a lot of the world.

[chaoslynx]

Fanfic Writer's 20 Questions!

Tagged by @whiskeysrpcenter. Thank you for the tag!

1. How many works do you have on ao3? 64! That's not counting a couple I have written but not published yet.

2. What's your total ao3 word count? 325,076, again not counting some yet-to-be-published stuff!

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they Literally just Banana Fish lol

4. What are your top five fics by kudos? 1: You don't need to understand feelings to feel them. (my first multi-chapter fic!) 2: I love you. I trust you. I'm here for you, forever. (my first ever fic!) 3: I'm a little in love with you. (my first collab!) 4: You jump into the water, but off of the bridge. 5: Why doesn't it hurt when I'm with you?

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Always! I love getting comments and I hope that responding to them encourages people to leave more. I also know that commenting on some fics can be a very vulnerable experience, and I want to reward that however I can.

6. What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending? Probably one of my canon-compliant fics. I try to write happy (or at least hopeful) endings whenever I can, but when you're working within Banana Fish canon it can be hard. The one that comes to mind is I'll stay with you. I won't let go. That one ends with Ash lying to Eiji about staying with him, since he's about to give himself up to Dino in canon.

7. Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written? Haven't written a crossover yet! No plans to currently.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic? I've gotten an occasional comment that was a little mean, but for the most part everyone has always been lovely!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? I don't generally write or read smut. I can see the appeal, but as a sex repulsed ace it's just not my thing.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not that I know of? But I've never really been on the lookout for it. I only post fanfiction on ao3, though, so if you see any of my fics anywhere else then it was stolen.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated? Not yet, but I recently have had offers to translate one of my works (There is a future. Whether you believe in it or not.) into Russian, and another (I'm sorry, but I love you.) into Spanish! I accepted both offers, so those might pop up soon!

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Yes! I'm a little in love with you. was written with Honeyvalentine (@hearteiji) and i love you all the more for it was written with newagedrunaway (@eurydizzy)

13. What’s your all-time favourite ship? I feel like this is kind of blasphemy in fandom, but I honestly care more about the individual characters than I do their relationships to each other. Of course I do ship AshEiji as my number one, but writing/reading an AshEiji fic isn't any more special to me than doing so for a ShorAsh fic or a Max & Ash fic, you know?

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? As of yet, I think I still plan to finish all the fanfic WIPs I've started!

15. What are your writing strengths? Hmm probably dialogue!

16. What are your writing weaknesses? Description for sure.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in another language? As a monolingual English speaker, I usually will just note in the narration if a character is speaking another language. But I've read books where the characters will use other languages in dialogue, and I think it can be done super well!

18. What was the first fandom you ever wrote for? Banana Fish, actually.

19. What's your favorite fic you've written? Probably You jump into the water, but off of the bridge. It's not necessarily my best work (I think my strengths show better in my oneshots than in my multi-chapters), but it's the one I put the most work into.

20. Who do you tag? If you're reading this and you're a fanfic writer, you're tagged! Play if you wish 💖

[heytherejulietx]

Haunted ~ Jughead Jones

Masterlists

Requests are OPEN

Notes - Hi so I’m seriously proud of this fic, and even though I feel like all of my Riverdale fics flop I’m super happy with this, so if you could reblog this and get it more reach that’s be amazing. (Also, on a note not related to this, I am working on the requests and I’m so sorry about the wait for them, but I was having trouble writing them so that’s why I wrote this fic. Sorry everyone they’re coming soon!)

Warnings - Pure angst and hurt. Be warned.

Word count - 5.6k.

Riverdale tag list - @idont-knowrn

If you’d like to be added to any tag list please just tell me!

You and I walk a fragile line

I have known it all this time

But I never thought I'd live to see it break

~

Everything changed when Jughead moved to the South Side. Of course, she couldn't blame him for moving, she knew he had to. With his dad behind bars for a murder he didn't even commit and not being able to stay at the Andrews household any longer, he didn't have a choice in moving. Living in his dad's trailer was better than staying with a foster family whom he didn't know, though living on opposite sides of town and now attending different schools meant they saw less and less of each other. And to be completely honest, Y/N missed him so much. She missed having him stay over at her house before school since her house wasn't far from Archie's. She missed waking up with him in the mornings, being greeted with lazy kisses and warm hugs. She missed sitting with him in class, helping him in math and getting his help in English literature. She missed after school dates at Pop's; sharing each other's milkshakes and helping him write his novel.

But once he'd moved, the cracks in their relationship started to appear. At first it was just missed phone calls and being left on read, though soon it developed to frequent arguments, being stood up on dates for the Serpents, and just not seeing each other much anymore. It hurt her, because she missed her once perfect boyfriend, who was now so caught up with his new school and his imprisoned father's gang to give any sort of time or attention to her. Maybe it was selfish, but Y/N wanted him to focus on her, and not anybody else, even if just for one night. She could tell that their relationship was headed downhill, though she thought that it would be fixable. They had been through so much already, surely this wouldn't break them apart, right?

~

It's getting dark and it's all too quiet

And I can't trust anything now

And it's comin' over you like it's all a big mistake

~

Y/N frowned down at the Pop's menu sat on the table in front of her, scowling at the small printed words there. This was the third time he'd missed one of their dates, or just forgotten about it all together. She was guessing it was the latter, as Jughead had been too wrapped up in the Serpents and with Toni Topaz to think of anything else. She was certain that he was getting bored of her, or tired of her company. He was hanging around with a gang now, his people, so surely his plain old north-side girlfriend was getting tiresome? She took a glance out of the window beside her seat, seeing that the sky was darkening into evening - dark oranges and blues swirled together as the sun went down like an artist mixing paint on a canvas. When she'd gotten to Pop's it was still daylight, but he had taken so long to show that now it was getting dark.

Before she knew it, disappointed tears were brimming in her eyes, and a lump was forming in her throat. Why couldn't he just spare a few hours to go and see her? At first, she had given him the time he quite clearly needed, and the benefit of the doubt. He had just moved and he was adjusting, and she got that, but now it had been weeks and there was still no effort put in from his end. It wasn't like he was even a proper member of the Serpents, so she just didn't get it. 

After another few minutes she had paid for the one milkshake she had drank and the one that had been left sitting on the table untouched, that was meant for Jughead, and then left the diner. It was cold outside, the kind of cold that seeped through your clothes and gave you goosebumps. Though she already felt the cold disappointment that had been sticking with her for weeks, now. On the colder days before Jughead had moved, he would give her his denim jacket as they walked to Pop's after school, but just the thought of that now made her want to start crying. She couldn't remember the last time she had been wrapped in his jacket, or even his arms for that matter.

Before she knew what she was doing, Y/N had pulled her phone out and called him, anger washing over her and replacing the sadness she felt. He picked up after six rings. Usually it would only take one.

"Y/N?" He asked, no 'love' or 'baby'. "Can I call you back later? I'm with the Serpents."

"Couldn't you have spared one night from the Serpents to show up to our date?" She scoffed, lifting her free hand to wipe her eyes which were now streaming with tears. 

"What?" Jughead asked, sounding confused. "We didn't have a date today."

"Yes we did." Y/N sniffled, her lip quivering when realising he'd forgotten. "This is the third one you've missed for Christ's sake, Jug. I shouldn't trust anything you even say, anymore."

"I'm sorry I've been busy." He huffed, sounding more irritated than anything.

"Yeah, you're always busy now." She swallowed back the lump forming in her throat. "Too busy to come and see your girlfriend anymore."

"Y/N, come on-" 

Before he could say anymore she cut the call off, not ready to hear it. Once her phone was back in her pocket she covered her mouth with her hands as she started crying, her chest heaving with each choked sob that passed her lips. Soon it hurt, though nothing hurt as bad as the sadness consuming her from realising he didn't love her like he used to.

~

Holding my breath, won't lose you again

Something's made your eyes go cold

~

It was almost midnight when Y/N heard the rumble of a motorbike turning into her street corner, before she heard the noise cut off right outside her house. It wasn't unusual for Jughead to come and see her after a fight, though it was unusual for them to fight so often. The most they had ever argued before the move was when his father had first been arrested, but she understood that he was just so stressed with everything that he was lashing out at people. Though this was different.

Y/N hadn't moved from her bed since she had gotten home. She hadn't even changed out of her clothes, she had just gotten into her bed and cried. She was still crying by the time she heard her window being pushed open further and someone stepping into her room. Y/N had the covers over her head so she couldn't see him approaching, though she felt the bed dip when he sat down beside her, and felt his hand rubbing her back through the covers. She sat up just enough to turn and move her arms around him, pressing her face into his chest as she started crying again, holding onto him tightly.

"I'm sorry." She heard him whisper into her hair as he wrapped his arms around her shaking body, which only made her cry harder. Did he really mean that? She couldn't be sure.

"Do- do you still love me?" Y/N couldn't help but ask through the tears, needing to know. It felt like he didn't, or that he was loving her less and less every day.

"Of course I still love you." Jughead sighed, his hand lifting to gently run his fingers through her hair. "I'm sorry I've been so distant lately, I've been busy sorting out stuff at South Side High and with the Serpents. I really didn't mean to forget about meeting up with you, okay?"

Y/N sniffled a little as she nodded, just holding onto him a little tighter. Whether she completely forgave him or not was a different question, though she was willing to give him another chance to prove that he really did mean what he said. 

"Hey." He said softly, moving his hand underneath her chin to tilt her head upwards. Her red-rimmed eyes locked with his and she watched his expression soften somewhat when he took in her features, though there was something about his eyes that made her stomach swirl with uneasiness. They were just so cold and unlike him. Maybe he didn't really mean what he had said.

~

Come on, come on don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong, you're all I wanted

Come on, come on don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Can't breathe whenever you're gone

Can't turn back, now I'm haunted

~

After that night, Jughead had promised to make it up to her and come and see her the following weekend at Pop's. And to be honest, she really needed it. Her week had gone absolutely horribly, with Betty suddenly becoming cold and distant towards her. Y/N couldn't fathom why Betty had become so cruel to her; she just knew that the last time herself and the Cooper girl had spoken, it had ended in a long string of insults from Betty then her walking off. So she could really do with her boyfriend's comfort, after her best friend clearly didn't want to be around her anymore.

Y/N sipped on her milkshake at Pop's as she waited for Jughead to show up, his drink sat untouched opposite her on the other side of the table. Once she had hit the ten minute mark she began to grow worried that he wasn't going to show, but thankfully she spotted him pulling into the parking lot of Pop's after she had heard the rumble of his motorcycle outside. A smile was painted over her lips as she waited for him to walk inside, though it quickly faded once she had caught sight of him.

His face was full of cuts and bruises, most of them looking extremely painful. At first she had been worried that he had been in a fight with somebody at his school, though her stomach sank when seeing the leather jacket he was wearing. The leather Serpents jacket.

He had clearly caught sight of her expression, as Jughead sighed as he slipped into the seat opposite her own. "Y/N, I meant to tell you-"

"That you'd joined the gang you told me you wouldn't?" She whispered, her eyebrows furrowed with disbelief. "Why would you do that? They're dangerous, Jug, they're a biker gang. Are you kidding me?"

"They aren't dangerous." He frowned. "They're like family."

"They're like family?" She scoffed. "Oh, and I'm not anymore?"

"Hey, I didn't say that." Jughead frowned a little more.

"Maybe you didn't say it, but you've been meaning it for weeks!" She practically exploded, sitting up in her seat as her waterline burned with the build up of tears again. "When was the last time we both properly hung out together, hm? Or ate dinner together? Or even spoke to each other without arguing?"

"I told you I've been busy, with-"

"With the Serpents, yeah I know." Y/N scoffed. "You never have time for me anymore, and that's all I'm asking for. I miss you, Jug. You could have at least told me that the reason you were too busy to spare a few hours for me is because you were joining a fucking gang."

"What is your issue with the Serpents?" He snapped defensively, making her flinch at the harshness of his voice.

"You said you wouldn't join them, you promised me, remember that?" She asked. "Oh, but maybe you don't, since you seem to be forgetting a lot recently." She huffed, lifting a hand to wipe away the tears that had started falling. "They are dangerous, Jughead, have you even looked in the mirror recently? If you had to do that to join then what else might you have to do now that you're involved?"

"Will you give it a rest?" Jughead snapped, causing her to flinch once more. "Like it or not, I'm a Serpent now, okay? And I'm sorry that since I have this thing called responsibilities now that I can't spend every minute of the day with you." 

"I didn't say that, Jug." She whispered, more tears falling. "I just miss you, we never see each other anymore and when we do it's... it's like you're a different person."

"Yeah? Well if I'm so different then why don't you just find yourself a new boyfriend, then. One that fits the criteria." Jughead scowled as he got out of his seat, shaking his head as he looked at her.

"Hey, wait." Y/N whispered, also getting out of her seat. "Don't go, Jug, I'm sorry." She whispered, reaching out to touch his arm.

Jughead was still frowning as he pulled away from her touch immediately, shaking his head as he just turned away and walked out of the diner, leaving her stood crying as she watched him leave.

~

Stood there and watched you walk away

From everything we had

But I still mean every word I said to you

~

Despite everything Jughead had said, they didn't break up. A few days later Jughead had stopped by her house to apologise, and for once it looked like he meant it. He had been close to tears himself as he ranted to her about everything, but mostly about how sorry he was and how he couldn't stand to lose her. By the end of the conversation she was crying too, and she had agreed to give him another chance. Maybe by this point she should have noticed just how many chances she had given him recently, and saved herself from any future hurt by breaking up with him, though she couldn't do it. She physically couldn't be without him, it pained her to even think about it.

Everything was good for a while. Betty had given her an explanation as to why she had been acting so funny, and definitely one she hadn't been expecting at that - as she had been getting phone calls from the Black Hood - the infamous serial killer who had taken up occupation in Riverdale over the past however many weeks. Whilst it was a complete and utter shock, she had immediately forgiven Betty, as she understood that she had become distant from Y/N so that the Black Hood wouldn't kill her. And things with Jughead had gotten better. Whilst he was still different to the soft and loving boy she had known before the move, he was clearly making an effort, and that mattered a lot to her.

Jughead had been especially better once his father was out of jail. It was a huge relief for everybody to have FP out, and whilst his return meant Jughead having to step up as Serpent King, Y/N was making an effort to try and understand the Serpents more, so she had been helping Jughead plan FP's retirement party in the Whyte Worm.

Though she had also been meeting up with Toni Topaz there, who was helping her learn the Serpent dance for her own initiation. 

Whilst she still wasn't too fond of the Serpents, she wanted to be there for Jughead to make sure he didn't end up getting hurt or imprisoned like his father, so she had agreed to do the extremely sexist 'Serpent dance' and partially join the gang to keep an eye on her boyfriend.

Even though she wanted to keep him safe, on the night of the party she felt horrible. On her way to the bar she felt nauseated at even just the thought of stripping into lingerie and dancing in front of a whole bar of gang members, but once she was there she felt even worse. The smell of alcohol once she had walked into the building was sickening, and it only made her worse. She was almost convinced enough to leave altogether, though once she saw her boyfriend approaching she knew there was no way of getting out of it now.

"Hey." He smiled once he had reached her, planting his hands at her waist as he leaned down to give her a kiss - thankfully the action helped calm her a little. "You look amazing."

The compliment made her blush a little, as she was only wearing a peach skirt and white blouse, though she couldn't help but wonder what he would be thinking later once she had revealed what she was dressed in underneath the good-girl outfit.

Soon the party was in full swing, and somehow she had managed to lose Jughead in the crowd, though she had managed to find Toni sat at the bar instead. Whilst she wasn't extremely fond of the Topaz girl, she was grateful that she had wanted to help her out with the dance.

"Hey north-sider." Toni greeted once she had sat at the bar, stood on the other side of it. "How're you feeling?"

"Like I'm about to throw up or pass out." Y/N told her, scanning the room for a moment before looking back at the pink-haired girl. "Give me something." She tapped the bar, hoping a drink would help. She didn't even drink - but Y/N was hoping that some alcohol would help calm her nerves.

"Are you sure?" Toni asked as she started pouring a liquor into a shot glass for her. "You don't exactly look like you can hold your drink."

"Please, I need some confidence right now, and if that means drinking to get some then so be it." She sighed.

"Alright then." Toni placed the glass on the bar in front of her, looking a little concerned.

Y/N lifted the glass and eyed the liquid for a moment before lifting it to her lips and knocking back the whole drink in one. It burned it's way down her throat and made her start to cough at the horrible feeling, though despite that she put the glass back on the bar and tapped it, signalling that she wanted another.

"Another?" Toni asked. "Are you sure? Maybe that's not the best idea."

"Please, Toni. I won't be able to do this completely sober." She sighed.

Toni just nodded and started to pour her another one, though as she did Y/N's attention was soon locked on the stage a little away from the bar, seeing Veronica and Archie stood there with the Karaoke machine that Y/N had managed to hire for the party earlier in the week. Tearing her gaze away she took the second shot pretty quickly. It still burned horribly on the way down, though she didn't start coughing again. By the time she had taken her third shot, Veronica and Archie had ran off of the stage mid-song, and Y/N had left the bar to quickly move onto the stage, once Toni had said that it was now or never.

Once she was up on the stage she had managed to meet Jughead's confused eyes in the sea of people, and somehow she didn't tear her gaze as she started singing the rest of the song as she unbuttoned her blouse. Y/N tried her best to look seductive and confident as she stripped herself of her clothes and started dancing, and the alcohol did help a lot with that. She was able to focus solely on the dancing as she moved over to the pole on the middle of the stage and spun around it twice, before lowering herself down onto the floor in front of it. The mass amount of people watching her didn't even phase her as she had moved back to the microphone to sing the last few notes of the song, though once she met Jughead's eyes again she felt her stomach sink with nausea. He had that same cold look in his eye again, the one that looked like he had lost all of his love for her.

After the dance was over Y/N had left with her clothes to change in the bathroom of the Wyrm, missing the speech that FP had started as afterwards she went to stand outside by Jughead's motorbike to cool off. It wasn't long before she spotted Jughead walking out of the back entrance of the bar to come and join her, his expression one she couldn't even read. She could just see that he was not happy, not at all.

"Hey," She said softly as he approached, though was met with no reply once he was stood in front of her. "What's wrong? Was it the dance?"

"It's everything." His voice broke as he shook his head. "And yeah. Why would you do that?"

"I wanted to be a part of this." She told him. "The Serpents, your world."

"Why?" He asked, his eyebrows furrowing as he frowned at her. The expression made her uneasy, as it was one she was all too familiar with recently. "Archie knew to cut bait. Now I'm dragging you down. I'm dragging my dad down."

"He's still figuring it out." She told him softly, trying to muster up a genuine sympathetic smile. "And it's gonna be okay, we'll figure out whatever we have to do together." Y/N reached out to place her hands on his chest, though frowned when he had immediately stepped backwards.

"No, Y/N. Mm-Mm." He shook his head. "Not together."

The words struck her like he had just slapped her around the face. Her head tilted a little as a sudden coldness rushed over her body, nausea swirling around her stomach once again. Was he really about to break up with her?

"Y/N, if you stay, I don't know if I can protect you anymore. You might get-" Jughead paused as he ran a hand over his mouth, before planting both of them on her shoulders. "You probably will get hurt. I can't let that happen to you."

Y/N felt her waterline burning with a build up of tears as she stared back at him, starting to shake her head. "That's not your decision to make." She practically whispered.

"Actually, yeah it is." He stepped backwards as he spoke, the painful cold gaze returning to his eyes. 

"How many times, Jug?" Y/N asked as the tears started falling down her cheeks, her voice becoming wobbly with emotion. "How many times are we going to push each other away?" She gave a light push to his chest as she spoke, taking in a light breath as she tried to stop the tears. 

"Until it sticks." The harshness in his voice just made more tears fall as her expression crumpled. "This was my dad's one chance at going straight, and I wrecked it. I'm not going to destroy you, too." He moved to turn and walk away, though Y/N started following instead.

"Just tell me what happened, Jug." Her voice broke as she moved to grab his jacket and turn him around, tears cascading down her face faster as she reached up to cup his face in her hands. "Tell me."

"Please," His voice was weak, and she could see that he was holding back tears, too. "Go home."

Jughead stared at her for another moment before pulling away from her hold, and turning away to walk back into the bar. Y/N couldn't stop the oncoming wave of sobs as she watched him walk away and head back into the bar, her heart aching as she covered her face with her hands. She felt like somebody had just ripped out her chest. He wasn't her's anymore, and she wasn't his.

~

He will try to take away my pain

And he just might make me smile

But the whole time I'm wishin' he was you instead

~

The next day, Y/N had found out on the same night that Veronica had broken up with Archie too. She had been at Pop's trying to fight back a fresh wave of tears, when Archie had taken a seat beside her and started up a conversation with her. She eventually just broke into a fresh wave of tears as she tried explaining to Archie what had happened, and he had moved his arms around her to hug her, trying to comfort her in the best way he could. Though it felt wrong - his arms felt different to Jughead's, they were more muscular and harder. That fact alone just made her cry harder as she held onto Archie, as she wished it was Jughead sat with her instead. But she couldn't seem to let go of Archie - needing the reassuring contact even if it wasn't from the right person. So she just held onto him tightly as she cried, silently wishing it was Jughead instead.

~

Oh, oh, holding my breath, won't see you again

Something keeps me holding on to nothing

~

Y/N returned to Pop's the day after, hoping to catch Archie there again. Though as she had walked though the doors of the diner, instead of seeing her red-haired friend, she saw Toni sat at the table beside her usual one instead. She frowned as she looked at her, knowing she probably knew about what her gone down between herself and Jughead at FP’s retirement party. She had tried to walk part Toni without being noticed, though just sighed when she heard her call her name.

“Y/N?” She asked, causing the girl to force a smile as she turned to face her. “Listen, I’m sorry about what happened between you and Jug at the party.”

“It’s fine.” Y/N shook her head. It wasn’t fine, far from it, but she wasn’t about to stand and talk to Toni Topaz about her feelings, of all people. “It’s probably been a long-time coming.” She sighed.

“Listen, I-“

“Y/N?” Another voice came from behind her, an all too familiar voice, causing Y/N to frown as she turned around and saw Jughead stood there. She hadn’t seen him since the night he’d broken up with her, and hadn’t planned on seeing him for a long while, knowing she wouldn’t be able to handle it. Though instead of tears of sadness filling her eyes like she thought would happen, angry tears filled them together as she put two and two together. She glanced between him and Toni, and just shook her head as the tears started falling. He was meeting up with her, not even three days after they had broken up.

“Nice.” She whispered. “Rub salt in the wound, why don’t you?”

“What?” Jughead asked, before his eyes widened as he looked at Toni before back at her. “Y/N-“

“I don’t want to hear it, Jughead.” Y/N shook her head as the tears fell faster, quickly stepping past him and towards the exit of the diner to head outside. Her vision quickly became blurred with tears as she walked, breathing becoming a difficult task as she pushed back any verbal cries trying to escape.

“Y/N wait!” Jughead called after her. “It’s not what you think, please.”

Y/N turned around to face him as she started full-on crying, despite trying not to. “No, Jughead, I don’t care!” She shouted through her tears, her whole body starting to shake. “Just leave me alone, okay? I can’t be around you right now.”

Whilst Jughead stumbled over his words trying to say something, Y/N just turned around and walked away as she started sobbing freely.

~

Come on, come on don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong, you're all I wanted

Come on, come on don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Can't breathe whenever you're gone

Can't turn back, now I'm haunted

~

By the time Y/N had gotten home, she was a mess. Her chest hurt with each rough cry that passed her lips but she couldn’t stop. Weeks of emotional torture she’d endured, watching Jughead fall out of love with her, and just as things had started to seem okay he’d broken up with her. He had said it was to protect her, because he couldn’t let her get hurt, but was that really the reason? Or was he really just not in love with her? And wanted to be with Toni instead?

Once she had managed to get to her room she just slammed the door and fell to her floor, her hands covering her face as she hunched over. Everywhere hurt; her chest, her throat, her eyes, her heart. She felt like screaming, screaming for hours until her throat was raw and she couldn’t make anymore noise. Though she couldn’t physically stop the sobs long enough to even try to scream.

Her hands were shaking once she’d moved them from her face to plant them on her bedroom floor to stable herself, the shakes travelling up her arms and through her body until her entire frame was quivering with the agonising pain she felt. The tears couldn’t seem to stop, either. It felt like she had been crying ever since the break up, and for the most part she had.

“You’re not gone.“ She sobbed, hitting the floor with her palms before hunching over again as she continued crying. “You can’t be gone!“ The words mixed in with her crying to the point where she sounded like a wounded animal, begging for death. And in a way, she felt like it. Y/N didn’t think she could survive without Jughead by her side.

~

You and I walk a fragile line

I have known it all this time

Never ever thought I'd see it break

Never thought I'd see it

~

Another week passed before she saw Jughead again. The first time she had seen him after the break up it had been an accident, though this time he had asked to meet up with her, and for some reason said yes. Y/N tried telling herself that she had agreed to go simply because she was curious about what he had to say, though the real reason was because she was hoping he wanted to meet up with her to get back together.

For once, Jughead was there before her, though the scene looked so odd. For a start, he wasn’t even wearing his signature beanie - just the Serpent jacket that looked so foreign to her. And there was nothing on the table. Usually when they met up, whoever got there first would get each other’s favourite milkshakes. Though the only thing there was an untouched Pop’s menu.

“Hey.” Jughead said softly once she had sat in the seat opposite him, not beside him as usual. “I’m glad you came. I wouldn’t have put it past you if you didn’t.”

“What did you want to talk about?” She asked, just wanting to get it over and done with. Whilst she wasn’t crying herself to sleep every night anymore or tearing up at the mention of his name, she still didn’t trust herself to be with him for too long, in fear of setting off her uncontrollable flow of emotions.

“I just...” Jughead sighed. “I wanted to say I was sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have been so harsh with you about it. I probably could have done it all in a nicer way to make it easier for the both of us. And, I just wanted to say that I wasn’t meeting up with Toni last week in the way that you thought. Really, Y/N, she just wanted to make sure I was okay.”

Y/N scoffed quietly as she shook her head, a sad smile making it’s way to her face. “And I was thinking you wanted to get back together.” She whispered, though he heard her.

Seeing his eyebrows furrow and the shake of his head was enough to make her eyes brim with tears again as a lump formed in her throat.

“Y/N, I can’t do that.” He whispered, reaching across the table to take her hands in his. “You’re in too much danger with me, I can’t let anything happen to you.”

“I can handle it, Jug.” She tried telling him, though her throat was clogged up with tears and it made talking an extremely difficult task. “I can handle it, please can we just try.” Tears starter falling as her voice broke, her hands tearing from his as they flew to cover her face. After a moment she felt the seat dip beside her as he sat down, his arms winding around her and pulling her into him as she started crying.

“Please don’t leave me.” She started crying, the sound of her heart breaking almost louder than her cries. Almost. “Please, Jug, this can’t be over, I never thought I’d see this break, please.”

Jughead was stiff as he rubbed her arm gently, letting his lips linger on her forehead as a way of trying to comfort her. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, his own voice thick. “I have to. Y/N.”

At that she just started crying harder as she held onto him, trying to soak up his hold, his touch, everything, as she knew once he left she wouldn’t ever get it again. She turned to be completely pressed into him as she sobbed into the cold uncomfortable leather of his jacket, trying to hold onto him for as long as possible. Though she knew everything was over, and she couldn’t even take the thought. She couldn’t stand to live without Jughead in her life, she just didn’t want to.

She was haunted.